Friday, June 24, 2011

6.24.11 - Confession

I feel like a terrible mom.  I am very frustrated today.  I know I haven't posted anything personal or emotion-filled in quite a long time, but today I am feeling the need to share, or vent rather.  I am so grateful for my blog. 

Liam's eating has been not so great lately and I am getting very frustrated with him.  And I know I shouldn't.  When I get frustrated it sets the tone for the day, and I start getting very short with him.  I HATE when I am like this!  I seem like I am not the fun-loving, patient, kind, teaching mom I strive to be each day when this type of feeling hits, rather I am the MEAN mom.  And it really bothers me.  It's like this funk that I can't shake.  I think it stems from my own fear that Liam will not be able to thrive in his eating or progress as he should.  I fear the "doctors" will be telling us soon he needs to go back on the tube.  And I am so determined not to let that happen, that it makes eating time very stressful...And today it's really bothering me. 

The scale is starting to tip downward, and I guess I'm getting anxious.  I started him on Pediasure instead of milk this week, to try to up the calories.  Maybe that is why he hasn't been eating very well?  It's like his body will max out at a certain "calorie" count and I feel like it's never enough. 

I just put Liam down for nap a little early, just because it was really bothering me and I needed a break.  I feel bad that I rushed through a book he didn't even want to read, just so I could put him down to have a minute to chill....I don't have many moments like this, but boy today is one of those days.

I know this is a trust issue with me and God too.  I just need to trust His plan for Liam's life and sometimes that gets hard to do.  Thanks for taking time to listen (or I guess read rather). 


  1. Girl, you are so. not. alone!!

    I'm pretty sure we all have those days, and you did a good thing by putting him down early so you could have some time. Relax while he's sleeping and when he gets up, jump right back in there and be the awesome mom that you are! Don't beat yourself up over it. It's normal...or it is for me, so if it's not normal you're just off your rocker like I am...but hey, you're not alone! :)

    The feeding thing has always been the single most frustrating thing with Derrick. We finally relaxed about it a little and found that it improved some. I say some, and I mean a little...but he's doing ok with it. We have moments and meals that are better than others, like he just ate TWO BITES of hamburger and one bite of a banana and he was "all done" with lunch. It's hard not to try to force food on him, but I've found the more I stress out about it the less he ends up eating. He only weighs 20 lbs and he's over two years old, but his cardio and ped are both ok with it. They just tell us to feed him whatever he'll eat, so that's what we do.

    One thing we used to do with D when he was a little younger is add Carnation Instant Breakfast to everything he ate. Pudding, yogurt, applesauce...anything. The vanilla flavored one. He ate it right up. It added more calories to his food and I don't think he could taste the difference. We also let him (still) dip anything he will into ranch dressing. 5 extra calories is 5 calories, right? We'll take it.

    I'll definitely pray for you...and for that little guy to get HUNGRY!! :)


  2. Oh Tara, I can totally relate! Andrew and I had countless issues with feeding time when he was Liam's age and beyond. I used to get extremely frustrated because I was scared of the tube, too! Ha! Andrew never needed one (we came home without the NG and never had to get a tube) but he was always right on the verge and I was scared to death they were going to suggest it for him. Feeding was a very stressful time for us too (and it still isn't great, but I have certainly relaxed about it now that he's 4 1/2).

    Do you guys have a local AEA where they send people out to your home through an early intervention program? We had AEA services for Andrew from PT, OT and speech. It was free. Our OT (occupational therapist) came out weekly during lunch time to work with him on eating, and I LOVED her! She gave so many good suggestions and she actually worked with Andrew during that time on eating so I could watch what she did. She had great techniques and I learned a lot. Just a suggestion to check out. One thing she always said was to offer his milk after the meal, and not give him a lot of milk or drink right before meal times. She also suggested carnation instant breakfast (because Andrew hated pediasure). Just some things to ponder!

    I just hope you know you are not alone! Many heart families struggle with feeding, and you are NOT a bad mom for wanting to start the nap sooner than later! Ha! I went through many moments like that. It just makes you human!

    Sending prayers!

  3. This is a struggle a lot of us face Tara and I truly feel for you. Eating is a battle of the wills with these kids. You have absolutely no control over their eating so the sooner you let go of that the less stressful it will be for everyone. We still have bad days from time to time. Sometimes Logan only eats one meal a day and it's not always a good meal either.

    I agree with Jen....offer the milk/pediasure after the meal so he doesn't fill up on it first. Sometimes if you offer them smaller amounts at meal time they tend to do better at eating because they don't feel so overwhelmed with a big 'ol plate of food too.

    Our ST who works with Logan on his feeding issues has us do a rewards system on the times he doesn't eat the greatest. Like find something that he absolutely loves to eat....even if it is a potato chip and tell him he can have 1 chip after he eats 3 bites of his meal. Then he can have another one after another 3 bites...and so on. It has helped us to do this every once in a while when he is a stinker.

    Try not to beat yourself up. I know it is hard not to when you feel solely responsible for everything they eat or don't eat. After Logan had his tube removed he didn't eat squat and I was always stressed that he'd have to get his tube back. However, our cardiologist said that as long as Logan ate the equivalent of one adult sized meal within a 2 day period he would be getting enough calories.

    Hang in there!!