Thursday, December 2, 2010

12.2.10 -How I really feel...

Numb. Torn. Mad. Broken.

Even though I had prepared myself for today's results, it is just now really sinking in what this means for us....again...and so SOON. 

All day today I have been very numb to everything.  I didn't shed any tears throughout the day, kept a smile on my face and just took everything in stride.  In fact, I almost started feeling guilty that I wasn't feeling anything....But tonight it really hit me.  After my parents and Dustin left, it was just Liam and I here at MCCH, in the same exact room that we stayed in the night before Liam's last surgery (they wanted to keep him overnight to monitor him, giving his "unique" trend towards having respiratory issues).  Memories of that night from just this past June flooded back to me.  As I rocked Liam to sleep tonight I cried out to God that I just don't think I can go through this again....everything is still so fresh from his last surgery...and things were starting to, dare I say, be normal for us...or OUR sense of normal at least.

So here we are again...on the brink of yet another surgery.  This will make heart surgery #3 for Liam, at only 15 months old.  The cardiologist came in to talk to us, but basically just reiterated what the cath doctor had already told us.   Since they would like to have Liam's surgery within the next month or so, Dustin and I have made the decision to schedule it as soon as possible.  We have our reasons for that, and we feel that this is best.  No reason to delay the inevitable especially when there is no reason why they would need to wait.  So Dr. Verma (card) is going to talk with our surgeon, Dr. M, tomorrow and see what the next step is to schedule the surgery. 

If there is a positive note on this surgery, it would be that this may not be an "open" heart surgery, which means he may not have to go on bypass.  To my understanding, it may be possible that they can switch out the conduit and valve without opening his heart, but they won't know until they get in there.

On the flipside though, it is still a major heart surgery, just maybe a little bit more straightforward this time around.

It's been a long, trying day...time to get some rest tonight....dearest thanks to all of you who continue to lift us up in prayer. 


  1. My heart hurts for you, but I know Liam will be fine. I feel it in my bones. He's such a strong little boy with amazing parents who cherish him, and that is everything he needs. Please let us know what we can do. I know you have so many people supporting you, but I love to cry with other people, especially my fellow heart moms! We love you guys and we'll continue praying for Liam, Dustin, and you. Hang in there.


  2. Oh Tara, I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you the biggest hug. :( I know how you feel- now that you know it needs to be done that you want to do it as soon as you can. We were the same way when they gave us a choice of scheduling Aly's last surgery before Christmas or after and we choose as soon as possible. You might as well just get it over with because you would just go home and thinking about it would consume your life until the date finally came. We will be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

  3. Oh Tara...I just saw the last couple posts and feel horrible that I haven't gotten in touch with you until now. It took me several tries to read this post because I had tears in my eyes everytime I tried to read it. My heart hurts for you as this is all too close to home for me. I will continue to keep Liam and all of you in my prayers as this journey continues to takes twists and turns. Although we feel things are close to a normal for heart families, the hardest part is this never goes away. Please let me know if there is anything we can do. (((Hugs))